Cookies
by Gaz-chan
Summary: Short. Entirely based off a roleplay me and a friend did on AIM. Beware cos everyone is ooc.


I don't own any of the Matrix characters, nor Jason Voorhees, or Dora the Explorer. Uhm. The end.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Once upon a time, not so long ago, a large mentally-disabled man in a hockey mask was strolling along in a city. Not without inducing screams and killing people, but strolling nonetheless. The infamous Agent addressing himself as 'Smith' noticed this, and, without hesitation transformed Jason Voorhees into one of his infinite clones.  
  
Just then, Dora the Explorer walked by, perhaps a type of ending character to Jason's doom.  
  
It had been an uncountable (46 hours) earlier, when Smith and his clones had busted into the Oracle's house to find not only the Oracle but a plate of cookies randomly placed on the table. It was also then when Smith made his odd, unneeded attempt at humor by repeating what the Oracle had said about cookies needing love. And it hadn't really been funny, just... strange.  
  
His programming must have hit an error as well, because he had a desire for the cookies. Of course he had to look badass in front of himself and the Oracle so he had thrown them into the wall and made some psycho statement about purpose. Smith began to walk away from the newly-made clone and in the direction of the Oracle's house.  
  
Neo flew by, shooting at Smith and reaching the house faster than him. He took all the cookies.  
  
"Mr. Anderson!" Smith cried, proceeding to rant about something nobody understood so it wasn't important. He whipped out his gun and began firing in retaliation as everything slowed down ridiculously, and Neo dodged every bullet while eating the cookies. Bullet time abruptly stopped as Smith ceased fire, and Neo flicked away some crumbs off his fingers.  
  
Smith stared blankly before rushing into the house. Neo flew after him, taking all the cookie dough from the freezer and then jacking the oven. All this went on with techno music in the background, its source unknown. This angered the Agent, who unwillingly turned to offer Neo something. "Mr. Anderson, I am prepared to give you a blowjob if you give me your cookies."  
  
Neo stood still, his eyes hidden behind new-age sunglasses as were his enemy's. "... That's a definite no." Trinity then appeared, growling at Smith with a "MINE!" before wandering off again. Neo looked after her. "She looks like a dude."  
  
"...she's hot," he concluded.  
  
"Are you homosexual, Mr. Anderson?"  
  
"No?!" Neo squeaked, forgetting to be enigmatic. "I know your secrets..." Smith's voice trailed off. "No. You don't. But I like chicken." Neo removed his sunglasses. "I'll go visit the Architect shortly for some." Smith stared blankly for a moment before shooting Neo. In turn, THE ONE!!11 shot back with a machine gun. "Are you jealous?"  
  
Smith paused. "Of what? Jealousy is a human emotion that I..." he proceeded to give a long, robotic-sounding speech after which Neo asked, "Why is that?"  
  
Agent Smith: It is the purpose that guides us..  
  
Neo: I don't understand.  
  
"You know what I mean Mr. Anderson," Smith said smoothly, pocketing his weapon. "I understand now. I... I love Trinity." Someone then downloaded a violin solo, which played after Neo said that. "Love is another human emotion that I do not have the time or need for," Smith spoke, raising an eyebrow at the music. "But... why?" "You know why." "I do know why. It's the spoon."  
  
Smith replied bluntly, "My spoon is too big." "Your WHAT is too big?"  
  
The Agent lost his passiveness and pulled out a gun in slowmo for no reason. "You heard me the first time, Mr. Anderson." Neo did a bunch of kung-fu moves and kicked the gun out of his hands. "But... why is that?" "Why is what? Your questions are vague, Mr. Anderson," Smith replied, while kung-fu-ing back. "Why is that?!" Neo screamed, throwing Smith out the window. Smith fell, while calling "You know why!" before crashing into a car, much like a nonsensical ripoff of Reloaded. Neo watched. "I don't understand." He flew away as the techno started up again and Smith emerged from the car.  
  
Neo landed in a subway tunnel, near a pay phone. He looked around before calling Morpheus, how he did that or why Morpheus would have a registered phone number I do not know. Before letting Morpheus say anything after picking up Neo greeted him with a "YO WUZUP MAH HOMIE G-DAWG?" Smith meanwhile had snuck up behind the oblivious Neo, and in that time changed his form to something more civil; an elderly lady.  
  
He then proceeded to hump Neo in the ass.  
  
In blind panic Neo kicked him/her in the face, sending Smith flying backward near the railway. Smith rose in his normal form once again, with simple "Hello, Mr. Anderson." Neo was silent for a moment before turning back around to pick up the phone. "HolyfuckingshitMorpheusBEAM ME BACK!" Smith pulled out his gun once more with a random threat of "having him" as Neo shot him while talking to Morpheus. Of course, being the Agent he was Smith wouldn't let the bullets touch him, and so went bullet time. Neo ran out of bullets halfway through Smith's dodging.  
  
Neo: Fuck. This never happened before. I AM THE ONE!!! I AM UNLIMITED!  
  
Morpheus heard him via the phone and began a long speech.  
  
Smith studied Neo for a moment before stating, "You're attractive by human standards." Neo ran to the other side of the tunnel. "You're programmed to think that?" Smith appeared next to him (go figure) and humped his leg. "SONOFABITCHI'MGOINGTOKILLYOU!" Neo yelled as his gun flew out of his almost-femalesque-trenchcoat. Smith took the time to inform him that he had an erection, to which Neo replied "I do not. But you do. *shoot* Die bitch." This was when Trinity strode over to her lover quite randomly. Jason/Smith Clone #395830957093287 decided Smith was a horny teen (victim) and killed him, then flew off.  
  
Morpheus was still talking.  
  
Neo turned to Trinity. "Trin. I have a confession to make... I have no gender." Trinity stared at him. "WHAT?" Neo looked past her. "Actually, no... but I was castrated." "WHAT? .. Wait, I knew that, we had sex." She nodded as Neo continued, "Yes... but my true love is..."  
  
"Sati."  
  
"That's illegal!" Trinity said, stating the obvious and backing away from him. "No. I discovered Sati is actually fifty years old." Neo's eye met her's once more, seeing the disbelief and shock in Trinity's eyes. "Yes. Yes she is. Persephone... is my ho. Because I am really a pimp."  
  
Trinity screamed.  
  
"... Just kidding."  
  
Trinity slapped him.  
  
Neo stepped backward onto Smith's fallen sunglasses, breaking them. "LET'S GET MARRIED!" At this point Smith woke up. He noticed the broken shades and Trinity looking fairly pissed off. He sat up, pulled out his gun and began shooting everything in sight. Neo simply stepped on his gun, which ceased fire after about 15 bullets ricocheted off the walls. Smith threw Neo off him and stood, regaining the familiar arrogant Agent posture, firearm in hand. "Trinity!" Neo cried. "He hit me!"  
  
Trinity looked up from the newspaper she had been reading. "Hey you bitch!" Neo walked past Smith in a cloud of sulkyness, angst, and general Neoness. The subway pulled into the station. Trinity rolled her newspaper into a cylinder and beat Neo up with it, creating a domestic violence scene with the passengers who stepped off the subway. Neo forfeited his emokid act and ran over to Trinity, squealing "I love you!" to which Trinity replied "I know you do."  
  
The Merovingian: *walks in*  
  
Agent Smith: I love you more than she does, Mr. Anderson. Really.  
  
The Merovingian: *walks out*  
  
"My true love is 'Trin'" Neo addressed Smith, turning back to her as the violin solo started again. Agent Smith looked for a moment before downloading new sunglasses, which Neo shot into oblivion.  
  
Meanwhile, Morpheus continued talking on the phone.  
  
Smith glared at him. "Mr. Anderson, I must inform you that if you do that again I will be forced to shoot you." Neo seemed confused, as he usually did when someone spoke. "You already shot me. Multiple times. This is why... I don't understand." Smith rolled his eyes and downloaded sunglasses for the last time.  
  
Neo jumped into the air and kicked Smith's sunglasses off, stole his gun, and deleted the glasses program.  
  
"I see..." Merovingian started, looking dramatically around the room as everyone waited for him to keep talking. "This..." Pause. "... is very interesting..." Long pause. "Because..." at which he began a speech, worse than Morpheus'. Neo shot him. The Merovingian abruptly stopped and died. "This is going to cause some kind of war with the exiles," Neo stated, pocketing the stolen gun. "I pity you," Smith said quietly. "You and your small mind." The sort of laugh Agent Smith did next was something rather discouraging in the eyes of the fans, as he laughed in a way which sounded more like a word ("muah ha ha ha ha") than true laughter. "look whose talking. You don't even have a REAL mind," Neo retorted. "So nya."  
  
Smith looked at him, with a new pair of sunglasses equipping his eyes that seemingly appeared out of no where. "I do not attain a human brain because it is a waste of time." Neo calmed down at the thought of normal, boring, robotic Smith again. But he felt sympathetic. "Human brains can be useful. You learn of love... and understand... and--" "I do not require such emotions," Smith interrupted, as Trinity observed in an uncharacteristic silence. "But... why?"  
  
Morpheus was still talking, but his speech was cut short when the voice of doom spoke to him. "Your phone use time is up. You will now be disconnected. Please insert fifty cents to continue use."  
  
"You know why." Trinity let out an exasperated sigh. "Oh bloody hell, answer the goddamn question already." Neo turned to her. "I do know why. It's in my heart."  
  
"... Shut up Neo."  
  
Agent Smith neared them, speaking with sudden emotion. "He needs love, Trinity... just like cookies." Neo stared at him.  
  
"... I need no love... other than the love from..." he turned to Trinity. "You." Merovingian sat up. "I can give love!" Neo shot him again. "NOOOOO!" Smith yelled at no one, in a state of... heart-broken-ness. "I thought you said you didn't have emotions?" Neo began. "I don't... understand." Trinity rolled her eyes. "He's a machine, Neo, don't trust him."  
  
Just then, a stick figure man ran over to them.  
  
Random stick figure person: OMFG dude hes lke a porgam not a MACSHEEN WTF LOL *runs off*  
  
Neo looked to the sky as the clouds parted (though he couldn't see, since they were still in the subway tunnel.. or something) "I... I... I don't understand." He began to cry, making sure to shoot Smith's glasses to hell before doing so. Agent Smith downloaded sunglasses from a new server, and pulled out a spare gun, with another "MUA HA HA HA HA HA" (once again saying it rather than doing it). "Not right now, Smith. I'm busy," Neo turned around. "With?" Smith asked. "... Trinity."  
  
"... We shall meet again ..." with these cliche words the Agent walked off into a cloud of mist that had rolled in abruptly.  
  
"That's strange. It's sunny outside." Neo then contemplated the meaning of existance outside the Matrix, at which time Trinity had dragged him out with her after being woken up by Mouse.  
  
The two sat up and exchanged glances. "That was... unexpected," Trinity said slowly. Neo thought for a moment, before responding, "Can we get cookies?"  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
THE END  
  
ya see, that's some of what happens when you talk to me on AIM. :/ Fun times, no? 


End file.
